I shall post today after ONE month of not posting. so maybe this will be a long one?
Lets get started and happy reading,
Heard this one - quite old - but enough for a Sunday ! Ofcourse, this is with due apologies to the people involved...... It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrasekhar Subramaniam entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History Who said ...
Teacher: What's this a picture of ? Class: Don't know, Miss. Teacher: It's a kangaroo. Class: What's a kangaroo, miss ? Teacher: A kangaroo is a native of Australia. Smallest boy: Wow, my sister's married one of them. *********************************************************** 'What's your father's occupation?' asked the school secretary on the first day of ...
Just like to have a laugh every now and again A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a Great Chest you have!' He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.' He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!' The body builder tells her, ...
An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."
Funny ways to mess people around by using their computers
, you should preferably wait until the person is out of the room:
1.Take a screenshot of their desktops, save it and then set it to the background. Then right click on an empty space on the desktop and goto Arrange By > Show Desktop Icons. This should be ticked, by clicking on it, this will hide all the icons but it still looks like the icons are there because of the back drop, its great fun watching them trying to double click something. To take a screenshot: Press the "Print Screen" (or "Prt Sc") button on your keyboard, this should be somewhere near the top right-hand corner of the keyboard. Then go into MS Paint (Start > Programs > Accessories > Paint). Click the Edit menu, then select Paste. Then save the file wherever you want it.
2. Move the taskbar to the top or sides of the screen, then shrink it down to its smallest possible size. make sure to then lock the taskbar.
3. Ping off the keys from the keyboard with a pen or a knife or something slim, them rearrange them in a random manner.
4. Put some kind of powder (talcom, baby powder, chalk. whatever) onto the processor and/or the power supply fan. when they start up their computer clouds of smoke will start to rise
5.Put some tape over the floppy drive button, only works for those real simple people though.
6. Replace their Windows start-up sound with a recording that plays 15 minutes of silence, then plays very quiet random sounds every few minutes after that. It will drive them crazy working out where/why the sounds are coming from.
There were once three people called Rubbish, Manners, and Go away. They were all related since they were all brothers. One day Rubbish got flattened by a train, so manners started to sweep him up. Then, a policeman came up to Go away and said, "What is your name?"Go away replied: "Go away."The policeman said, "Now really! Please, I only need your name. What is it?"Go away said simply: "Go away."The police started to angry at this point. "Just say your name and I'll go away!" he hissed. "What is your name?""Go away."The policeman got very frustrated here. He glared at go away and asked: "Where is your manners?""Sweeping up rubbish."
William shakespear walks into a pub.Landlord shouts "get out your barred" man walks into a pub and sees a stable at the far end of the bar with a horse in it, the top half of the stable door is open and the horse is looking out. next to the stable door, on the end of the bar is a large jar of £5 notes. The man asks for a pint and while he is drinking it, he asks the bar man "why the horse and the money?"the barman says "it is a competition. you pay a fiver and if you can make my horse laugh you win all the money in the jar"ok the man says. finishes his pint and walks up to the horse. with his back to the barman he whispers in the horses ear. immediately the horse starts laughing hysterically. The barman says, "a deals a deal" and gives the man the jar of money.two weeks later the man finds himself in the area and pops back to the pub. Sure enough, there is the horse and there is the jar of money only this time the jar has £20 notes in it.the man orders a pint and asks "why is it £20 this time?"Barman says "because it is tougher now, now you have to make my horse cry""ok" the guys says, "I will give it a go"so he finishes his pint, and wanders down to the end of the bar.again after a short time with the horse, the horse breaks down, only this time in tears.the man picks up the jar and begins to take his money.The barman says "ok I have to know, how on earth did you beat my competition both times."It was easy" the man said "the first time, i told your horse my knob was bigger than his, and the second time i showed him!"
redkingjoe
18th May 2005, 08:31
This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas.He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain't goin' to eat that, mind if I do?"The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead."Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down tothe bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight wasshocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay." As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."
There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and NUS.The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard.The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"The young man thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought.""Why do you say that?" asked the president."Well, a thought takes no time at all -- it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again.""Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"The young man paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink.""Why?" asked the president."Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant."The president thanked him, then called in the next person.The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on.""I see, very good," replied the president.Then, the young man from NUS was called in. He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?""That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?""Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK...BLINK...or TURN ON THE LIGHTS... I **** all over myself!!!"
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner."Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.""Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open."Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet."If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horsemanure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damnedgood appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all the Children the same kind of Lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colors and flavors.The children began to say:Red... cherriesYellow... lemonsGreen... limesOrange... orangesPurple... grapesFinally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating themfor a few minutes, none of the children could identify the taste.Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue...It's what your mother might sometimes call your father."One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out & yelled::::: "Oh my God! They're a$$holes!"
A rubbish bin!
What has four wheels and flies?A rubbish bin!
-----Silence
Father: Did Paul bring you home last night?Daughter: Yes, it was late. Daddy. Did the noise disturb you?Father: No, My Dear, it wasn't the noise. It was the silence.
-----Books for College
A Polish student was in his the college campus bookstore. Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his classes, the clerk responded, "This book will do half the job for you." "Good," the Polack replied, "I'll take two."
Hebrew Bugs
Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," sez bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen." The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" sez buddy-bee. The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."Back to top
----Studying
Bella was the only Jewess in her class at an exclusive school in Scarsdale. Quite rightly, she considered herself a lucky girl since, in those days, only gentiles were admitted. Bella's closest friend was Cynthia, a Greek Catholic. When the girls took their final examinations, Bella passed with straight A's but Cynthia failed miserably. "I just can't understand it," complained Cynthia. "Just before the tests I lit candles to St. Peter, St. Barnabas and several other saints, and look what happened!" "I lit a candle too," said Bella. "What! You, a Jewess, lit a candle? To whom?" "To nobody. I lit the candle and stayed up all night, studying."
The Japanese people seem to have an affinity for the English language. They often use English words to name products - and use English phrases as slogans. Some of them are VERY funny.
On a Pillow in the apartment:
On a letter pad (written in cursive)
Keep the ocean blue. Under such the sky that you feel as if you were swallowed up, a bracing wind is blowing through.
On a Roller Gear bag
Everyone here has unique qualities experience develops the character to be a different is a merk.
On a wall clock in our apartment in Kawagoe
Rolling the ball to me. Rolling the ball to me. They arrived at a happy time.
On a Hoxy tissues box
Hoxy will always offer you rich and comfortable life with paper.
You've GOT to click on this photo to see the sign up close.... this was on top of a 2nd story apartment building.... see if you can figure out what they MEANT to say!
"Emergency Radder"
This was on a plain red or blue photo album cover (my personal favorite):
When I'm under this tree, gradually, I'm feeling relieved. Let's take a deep breath!
On a blue photo album Brandon purchased:
Please keep your memories after your family or friends enjoyed
On a pair of men's stockings...
"When I think I want to a man. It's the moment I love someone or have a nice life - long job."
On a popular soft drink:
Kirin Lemon: since 1928: This refreshing taste drink is in favor with people for a long time.
On the package of a chocolate cake-type snack:
Confidence of creating deliciousness. This tastiness can not be carried even by both hands
Graffiti under a bridge:
HELLOWEEN WE DON'T GET THE TIME NOW!
On a box of chocolate called "Fees" (it sounds better than it tastes):
Morinaga chocolate "Fees" is a new type. It's a chef's special! Cashew nuts whipped chocolate chrushtype.
I'm planning to be more spontaneous in the future.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one
Do you know what I hate? I hate rhetorical questions.
I married "Miss Right". Unfortunately, I didn't know that her first name was "Always".
Would I ask you a rhetorical question?
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming like his passengers.
Press any key to... No! Not THAT one!
24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... Coincidence?
A wife lasts as long as a marriage. An ex-wife lasts forever.
Politics: From the Greek "poli" meaning "many", and "tics" meaning blood-sucking parasite.
There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesteral level.
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words...
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Before you borrow money from a friend, decide which you need more
As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking competitionShe's angrier than a Bear with a sore headShe's dressed up like a Dogs dinnerAbout as useful as a Condom vending machine in the Vatican.He's that useless he couldn't organise a piss up in a breweryShe's been up and down more times than a whore's drawersShe's been engaged more times than a telephone switchboard!He's tighter than a photo finish.He's sweating more than a Dog in a restarauntHe's got a head balder than a baby's arse.He's got the dress sense of an Oxfam model.He's got a nose like a blind carpenter's thumb.Last time I saw a face like that it was hanging at the Hunter's Lodge.As much use as a trap door on a lifeboatIt's colder than a penguin's bollocksShe's got a face like a picture - it needs hangingYou've got about as much chance as finding a vegetarian pit bull terrierShe's had more pricks than a second hand dartboardAs rare as a Blonde virginI've seen more hair on a billiard ballHe's as camp as a row of tentsI've seen better teeth on a worn out gear boxThey call her 'The radio station' cuz she's so easy to pick upAs useful as a grave robber in a crematoriumYou could park a bike on that bumHe's as red as an overdrawn account at the local blood bankHe's got a face as long as an undertakers tapemeasureWhiter than a pair of Snow White's knickersAbout as innocent as a Nun doing pressups in a Cucumber field.They've got a picture of her at the hospital - it saves using the stomach pump
THATS ALL FOLK! happy reading!
